There were a couple of incidents that happened this weekend that really made me focus on my role as mom and how I present myself in public as the mother of my kids. Which brings me to the fact that I’ve recently come into being a basketball mom with my boy.

Anybody who knows me at all,  knows that I am super competitive (blame it on being the product of 5 older brothers and 0 sisters). So, I will cheer hard for my boy’s team and I will push for him to be aggressive, but there is no desire in me to be rude to any of the other children, coaches or refs. I think my role is to be my kid’s biggest cheerleader…as I believe it is every other parent’s role for their kid.

A couple of days ago at one of the games, a mom started egging on one of the older players part of our team. She was doing it to get our  FEMALE  coach frustrated. Today, several parents from the other team started making ugly comments to the refs and being just plain rude to our coach. I am pretty certain if our coach was a man, we wouldn’t have heard much of the commentary.

So 2 things I’ve noticed:
1. Parents can be embarrassing and crazy.
2. The horribly embarrassing treatment shown toward a female coach in a male dominated area.

Over and over again,  I’ve been thinking that we, the parents are setting the example for our children. We are the standard setters for our kids. We are the ones they look up to when it comes to responding to unfair situations, people and places. We are the ones who show them right behavior, etiquette and response. Granted, they have their own brains and emotional responses, but everything they see as acceptable from us…they will assume is acceptable behavior for them.

It is not and never will be acceptable for a man, woman or group of parents to be rude or disrespectful to a woman because she is the coach of a boy’s team. Our coach has taught these boys more than any man because she WANTS to coach this group of boys who otherwise wouldn’t have a chance to play in a basketball league. A group of boys from a lower income area of town that the rest of the middle to upper middle class white dads and moms wouldn’t dare take a chance on, mostly because they’re afraid of driving that far south in co springs. Our boys listen to their coach and respect her because they know that she cares about them. She’s young and wants to make a difference, but it’s hard for me as a mom and woman to see the odds stacked up against her.

Today I walked away and thought about all the good men and women in the bleachers today,( many who arrived after attending church on Sunday morning) who were beyond rude and all I could think was what do my actions and behavior tell others about me? What do my children see when they watch how I respond or behave in stressful situations? Am I being the person that I want my kids to grow up to be someday?

I’m new to being a “sport” parent and currently, I’m pretty frustrated, so how about it? How do I maneuver through this?

• When someone makes something look easy…it’s not! They are working really hard to make it look effortless.
• practice makes perfect.
• exercise doesn’t happen to  your body while you are sleeping.
• children need more of your attention and love than sometimes you feel you can give.
• friends hold you together…kinda like your own personal cement mixture for life.
• the people who you matter to will be there when you least deserve them
• the people who love you will pray for God’s best whether or not they like the outcome.
• the night is always always always darkest right before daylight arrives
• the wind howls loudly when you’re alone and afraid
• if you don’t care for yourself, nobody else will know how to
• you don’t stand a chance if you don’t commit your days in prayer
• your children don’t stand a chance if you don’t pray for them
• weeds grow rapidly in rocks and mulch
• furnace filters should be changed/cleaned regularly
• window screens are easy to change out.
• cooking for one is no fun
• dishwashers take a long time to fill when you’re alone
• disrespectful children come by the dozen, but a grateful, kind child is a rare treat…we should strive to raise the latter.
• things break on a consistent basis
• there’s no such thing as coasting in my life
• single moms/parents work their tails off
• thankfulness is a gift that should be nurtured
• God’s word is true and never changing.
• God’s Grace is sufficient

Looking back, I wonder what happened to my big “political career” and  desire to make a change, provide the best environment and give back to the community.

I admit it, I was an overachiever at it’s most unhealthy form. I wanted to make everyone happy. More than anything, I wanted to make my parents happy. Funny enough, half the time, my parents were completely frustrated with me because they didn’t want me to be so involved and have so many friends. All the things I did to make them proud ended up being the things that made them most frustrated.

Here I am with a daughter in high school remembering what it was like to be in high school. She measures herself next to me almost daily. We’re  looking almost eye to eye these days. Yesterday she tried to minimize her height and when I asked her why she said she didn’t want me to feel bad. I told her that I would never feel bad if she grew taller than me. She asked why and I told her that I wanted her to have everything I didn’t have. Everything from height to support, to friendships and involvement in school  activities.

More than anything I want to see that she has the opportunity to achieve any and every dream has.   Ever since she was little I’ve told her that she should pursue whatever she is passionate about as long as she knows that it would be a God pleasing pursuit. I’ve heard her say she wants to be an astronaut, a chef, a fashion designer, a doctor, a rock doctor, a scientist, an engineer, an actress, a surgeon, a singer, a musician, a teacher. Her list is long. I know that she would be fantastic at anything she wanted to pursue. I also know that she will be tremendously successful in anything she sets out to achieve.

I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to be her. To know…TO KNOW without any shadow of a doubt that your parents love you beyond what words can express and are proud of you and will support you in any endeavor whether it’s their choice for you or not.

I’m at the place as an adult where I have a feeling my parents aren’t thrilled with where my life is. I know they love me, and I also know they have no idea how to express that love. They are part of a culture and society that doesn’t know how to support deviated decisions. So…here I am as a parent supporting my child and loving her the best I possibly can. But then again, here I am still as a child wanting to know I am supported as I make the best of my circumstances and move forward in following my dreams.

So, I’m wondering, when do we outgrow the desire to please our parents?

1. Focusing on what needs to be taken care of in my life in the next couple of months.

2. Having coffee with a friend who I don’t get the privilege of working with any longer.

3. Celebrating my birthday a little late with a couple of my girlfriends.

4. Taking care of stuff around the house:

• calling a landscaper to fix the fence
• buying weedspray for the rocks and mulch
• cleaning out closets
• hauling up all the stuff from the basement that needs to go out in the garage sale this weekend.

5. Taking care of bills and things that seem to have gotten lost in this busy season.

Do you ever find it necessary to take personal time off from work, life, etc? What do you do on your days “off?”

So half my life ago…

I imagined I’d live a perfect life.

I imagined all the doors opening wide and people wanting to see me succeed and get ahead.

I thought my future was set.

I thought I could make everyone happy.

I had no idea who I was.

I didn’t imagine I’d be single at 36.

I didn’t know how heartbreaking life could be.

I didn’t know how wonderful life would be.

I didn’t know I’d get the joy of experiencing life fully after heartache.

I didn’t know I would have a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old son.

I didn’t know that I would get to do work that mattered to more than just my immediate family.

I had no idea that I would be given a chance at love and redemption in such unexpected places.

Half my life ago, I was just a girl wanting to do everything just right, little did I know that all my plans would fail, but the failure would bring greater rewards than any success could have ever brought me.

Where did you think you’d be half your life ago?

It’s been a while coming, but the time’s finally here and I have to get rid of some stuff.  I’m purging.

Actually, my fridge seemed like the easiest and most logical place to start, so that’s where I started. Can I just tell you that it’s gross to look through and find stuff that expired 6 months ago? But then again, how many things in my life do I keep around because  I’m too lazy to throw it out or even question why I need it?

Rest assured, the fridge is now clear and clean of all unused and expired stuff.

The basement is next. I know it’s not going to be an easy task since I’ve lived in my house for 11 years.  I’m at a different stage in life now than I was 11 years ago.  We don’t play with dollies or racecars anymore. Most of the stuff down there is unused and expired because it’s just easier for me to hide things instead of throwing things away or really dealing with them.

I have no idea how emotionally draining it’s gonna be to go through 11 years worth of stuff in my basement, but I know it’s time. The old chapter is coming to a close, so it’s time to look through the expiration dates and laugh at myself for holding on to things way too long as I bring closure and part ways and make room for the new storyline ahead.

So what do you do when there’s  change ahead? How do you deal with something that you want so badly, but suddenly find a bit unnerving?

I jump and wait for the water to immerse me. So in the next month I have a jillion things to get done…but it’s all good and really I’m just reminding myself to breathe. Little by little the things the things that don’t matter will float away and the things that matter will come to the surface.

Wanna join me for the ride?

Isn’t it funny that when you’re a kid you either have it all figured out (i’m gonna be a doctor, lawyer, singer, teacher)  or you don’t (I’m gonna be batman, wonder-woman, superman)when I grow up?), but never in those thoughts do you imagine the difficulties you’ll face in becoming a big person. Partly it’s because most of us don’t  know what kind of difficulties to expect, but another part because we just don’t have the life experience.

If you told me 15 years ago that I would be divorced by the age of 34, I wouldn’t have believed you because that was not part of my experience and that just wasn’t something I could imagine for myself. It wasn’t part of the “I’m going to get an education, get married, be a mommy, live in suburbia” plan. Actually much of my life hasn’t gone the way I thought it would go, but then again, it’s certainly been more interesting this way.

So, here we are, in 2011 and my life’s completely topsy- turvy, turned inside out and you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I can honestly say that I’m a little anxious about what 2011 has in store, because it’s not going to fall into  the imagined mold that I have in my head. The events that happen will more than likely catch me off guard and I might be left speechless, breathless, possibly crying or laughing, but undoubtedly I trust that it will God’s best for me.

Well, when you’ve been through what I’ve been through in the past few years, you’d go to counseling too. Why am I sharing this with you? Well, because I’m part of a community(Indian) that doesn’t very much believe in counseling…or maybe it’s just that there’s such shame associated with going to counseling. We Indians like to think we have it all figured out, and even if we don’t have it figured out, we just don’t like to admit that we might not know how to proceed.I’m at a good place in my life right now, but I’m feeling like I need to start going to counseling again so that I can move to better places than where I am currently.

My counselor asked me how/what I feel when I look back on the past few years. I told her that if I had to do it over again, I would make exactly the same decisions.  I’ve walked through hard paths and hated every step of it, but looking back, I wouldn’t change one thing. I’m in a better place mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life, but the best thing is that I feel more compassion and empathy for people I see in pain.  I know that I don’t have the answers for someone who is hurting, but what I’ve come to realize is that sometimes people just need someone to listen, not give them answers.

Today, I’m thankful to be in a good place. I’m thankful that shame didn’t hold me back. I’m thankful that  God’s love for me shone through on my darkest days. I’m thankful to have survived a difficult storm and have come out stronger.