Krissy Thomas

In India with Ammachi and Appachan in '05

I’m having one of those days where it’s hard for me to focus. I’ve had so much going on in the past week that I’ve hardly had any time to just sit and think. So, sometimes, like today, I sit and think and sometimes that thinking takes me places in the past.

A week ago today I was in Nashville and I got a call saying that “appachan” passed away. I was in the middle of a conference, so I couldn’t really wrap my brain around it…I waited till I was in my room that night to think about him and to let the tears fall on my pillow.

Appachan is the only grandfather I’ve known in my life. My biological grandfathers were both gone by the time I arrived on the earth. Appachan became my grandfather when  I got married in ’93.  He was so sweet and so kind and always, always so loving to me.  He really was what I imagined a grandfather to be. He had a smile that would light up the room and his bellowing, “God Bless You! and How are you?” would make us all smile… partly because those were 2 of the only statements he knew in english and partly because he thought it was funny to see our reaction to his speaking in English.

He would call me Krissy Poo and he would hold my hand a little longer than he had to…because he wanted to. He wasn’t the typical Indian Appachan who didn’t show emotion. No, as a matter of fact, you knew and everyone around him knew that he loved his children, his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren. He loved us and prayed over us…We loved him and we all wanted to see him smile. 

I’m sad that my children won’t get to see him now and they might not remember him, or his sweet smile, but they will know that he was an integral part of my life, but more importantly that he was part of the foundation of their heritage of faith.

Once upon a time I wrote this post for my myspace page and this week, I was thinking about it again…actually, I was sitting in church and the speaker pretty much spoke verbatim about my little blog post here. So, I guess, it’s a good reminder for me to look at this again…Maybe  you need to see it too.

This month represents that wonderful hallmark holiday…something to give us a break from the mundane days of winter…the blues, the blahs, the cold weather…I’ve actually never been a big fan, but I’m often catching myself  trying to figure out this thing called love and i know and possibly you know too that “God is Love” so i struggle with letting that idea take over and permeate my life and it’s especially difficult when i actually sit and dissect verses from the LOVE chapter of the “good book.”

So, here’s what i did…I experimented a bit philosophically and extracted out all the words that say Love and replaced them with God…

“God is patient. God is kind. God does not want what belongs to others. God does not brag. God is not proud. God is not rude. God does not look out for His own interests. God does not easily become angry. God does not keep track of people’s wrongs. God is not happy with evil, but is full of joy when the truth is spoken.  God always protects. God always trusts. God always hopes. God never gives up. God NEVER fails.”

Ok, granted I have an affinity for philosophy, so of course i have to dig a bit deeper with that thought process and the digging ends up with me asking some questions:

“Kris, are you patient? Are you kind? Do you want what belongs to others? Do you brag? Are you proud? Are you rude? Are you looking out for your own interests? Are you easily angered? Do you keep track of other people’s wrongs? Are you happy with evil or are you full of joy when the truth is spoken? Do you always protect? Do you always trust? Do you always hope? Do you give up? Do you fail?”

i’m in a predicament…my philosphical search takes me to the mirror that has been spotlessly windexed by the Love Himself and i can see clearly that i am not patient. i am sooo not kind. I do sometimes want what belongs to others…um, i AM rude and i do look out for my own interests and man i get angry easily especially when sitting in traffic and… it bugs me so much that my kids forgot to take lunch money again and again…seriously this is like the 5th time this school year (wait, that’s me keeping track of wrongs isn’t it?) trusting and protecting are tall orders…hope? sometimes i do that…give up? often i do that…fail? well, let’s just leave that blank for now.

so when it’s all said and done i realize that i can’t do it…i fall so short… and when i look down at myself i see that i’ve fallen because i’m so tangled up in miles and miles of pretty pink and red ribbons that i’ve used to make myself more presentable to Him when he never asked that of me. The hardest part is letting go and knowing that all i need is basic understanding not the comprehension of Socrates. It is so difficult for me to comprehend, much less something i can let overtake my life…my tangled mess of pretty trinkets and bows and chocolate covered whatevers all caught in the most amazing hands of GRACE. Simple as that…Grace.

I work for Compassion International. This week has been extremely trying for all of us. Our faith has been tested. Our hearts have been broken. Our emotions are raw. The earthquake in Haiti hit us hard! We have over 64 thousand children we work with in Haiti alone and of that 6 thousand are in Port-au-Prince.It’s not just some story out there somewhere for us…those are our kids…our babies, our friends, our co-workers.

It’s  been especially hard because 2 friends and co-workers from  Colorado Springs are out there and we are all waiting on pins and needles to hear news of them.

Towards the end of last week, God kept putting this scripture on my heart…I even dialogued with friends about it… Genesis 16:3 She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen ^[c] the One who sees me.” Today, this scripture kept flashing in my mind’s eye…God sees, God knows. God sees…God sees…God sees!!!! Tonight in Haiti, there is destruction, there is rubble, there is chaos, but in the midst of all of that GOD SEES! We don’t know where our missing friends are, but God sees them. My prayer is that in and through all of this we would see the One who sees our friends, our co-workers, our children, and all the other people who are there right now.

Thankful For These Gifts

thankful:feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative

grateful: appreciative

Really is there a difference? Maybe not, maybe it’s the same word said differently, but even still…do you ever think “I’m so thankful I have this thing and this thing and this toy or this person?” In that, do you let your thoughts go a little further still to who you are thankful to for all of the things you have?

Yesterday I made my 3rd trip to the grocery store for items on my Thanksgiving cooking list and after finishing I was pretty merrily skipping out(no, really I was cuz it was only a $15 trip that time) of the store and kinda had one of those fast moving, punch in the gut reality check…a reality check that made the world stop for a second or two as I  said, “Thank YOU God, that I live in a country where I can run to the grocery store where the aisles are filled with an abundance of food. Stores where I don’t wonder if what I want is even a possibilty, but more of a question of how I want it packaged and what size I need. Thank you God that I can swipe a card and money is transferred from my bank with ease to pay for the funds. Thank you God that I have a job that allows me to put money in the bank. Thank you God,  that as a woman I have the freedom to go to the store as I please and I don’t have to wait for a man to take me. Thank You God, that I live in the US where I learned to drive when I was 16 and have the opportunity and ability to drive myself to any store I please. Thank you God that I have the opportunity to smile at grumpy people as I skip merrily along on because I can go home and spend the rest of my day with my babies.

I got in my car and had to call a friend and say…”I take so much for granted so often,but I want you to know that I am so thankful and have so much to be thankful for and here is just a part of it…I am Thankful for You.”

So right now, as I sit in a warm house in the early hours of morning, I am thankful for a dog that wakes me up at 6 so I can think through all the things I’m thankful for before the busy-ness of the day creeps in. I am Thankful to God for my children who are happy, healthy and well. For the time I have with them that is filled with such depth of emotion and range of feeling. For all the things they teach me. For all the things they share with me. For all the joy they bring me. I am thankful to my God who gave me these two most amazing gifts even if I feel like an undeserving person at times. Thank you God, for knowing my heart and knowing how much I would need them in my life.

I’m thankful for my all family members who show me such great love. I am loved and accepted and for that I am so grateful.

I’m thankful for friends who love me beyond the “call of friendship.” This  year I have been shown such amazing love through my friends and I believe it was God’s way of showing me how much He cares for me and how His love is not contingent on what I have to offer.  I am thankful for the people He’s put in my life who pray for me, and offer me wisdom and encouragement when I need it and sometimes when I think I don’t need it. People who stand by my side when I just need someone to lean on. People who have given me encouragement through words and actions. People who have seen me in my darkest moments and never moved from where they stood by me. Thank you God, for the people who are my support because of them,  I can see now how much you love me and how much I must mean to you.

I am a thankful woman, a grateful woman today. Not just for each person or thing I have, but to God who has given me these wonderful gifts.

Anytime I say the statement, “I’m good enough,” I get the image of Stuart Smalley saying, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” And really, that’s not where I’m trying to go with this post, but it looks like I’ve already gone there, so now that we have that behind us, let’s move ahead.

So…you see, I’m curious, do you ever wake up, wondering how you got here?  Here, being the place you are right now mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally? And then do you ever think, am i qualified or disqualified to be here?

It’s interesting how the spiral of my thought process works. It starts with just one thought that takes me to another and another and before I know it I’ve talked myself out of being who and what I am because of the crazy thoughts in my head. You might not do this kind of thing, but I do and ultimately I wonder…do other people do this? So tell me, do you?