Please, just a minute to process, to sit, to be calm, to not have answers, to not be the cheerleader, the official, the driver, the chef, the fixer, the teacher, the planner…just a minute to be?

I know that the kids are growing so fast, and I should enjoy this greater ride I’m on with them, but in all honesty, sometimes the ride’s just exhausting and I just need a minute.

My second guessing has hit an all time high as of late because both my kids are teens. I know that I’ve second guessed myself through all of the stages of their lives till now, but I’ve never experienced this type of second guessing in any previous stage of their lives.

I remember going through the final moments of giving birth to my daughter and being hit with the realization that nobody else could finish the work of delivering a baby except for me, her mother. Yes, there were all sorts of people to assist and comfort and coach, but ultimately, I had to do it alone.  Not very comforting, but very humbling.

A couple of weeks ago I had this realization that my daughter is almost 16 and I have to go through an entire new set of labor and delivery pains. She’s coming into her own. A young woman with her own wants and needs, goals and hopes. Almost 16 means that she wants a bit more freedom a bit more time away from her family a bit more of everything that freaks me right out. As a mom, it’s hard to go through this pain because it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. It’s illogical. All the things I’ve wanted for her are happening…I want her to use her talents fully. I want her to be self-confident, I want her to be independent, I want her to love her friends well. I want her to be involved in school activities, I want her to be in youth group. I want all of these things, but now that all of these things are fully taking off, it’s scary and I realize I’m suddenly just not ready for it and wanting to slow everything down just a bit.

I’m second guessing if I’ve prepared her well enough. I’m second guessing if I’ve taught her all that she needs to know. All sorts of questions crowd my head space when it comes to what we’ve taught her about faith, friendships, family, caring for people, integrity, the world. Have I done enough? Have I done too much?

I watch moms with new babies and feel such overwhelming and heart-wrenching love for that relationship. I had no idea how I was going to fall in love with this girl. I had no idea that the sleepless nights, tantrum filled days, sickness, fatigue all of that would pass in what seems like a blink of an eye. I know it wasn’t a blink of an eye because I lived each moment of it, but I still feel like life moved in fast forward bringing us to this place and time.

It’s been a hard couple of weeks, but the best thing has been the conversations we’ve been able to have. As hard as it’s been, we’ve talked about the difficult moments and the hurt feelings. That’s actually something we’ve always done. Explain and process our feelings without attacking but allowing for real feelings. There’s this strange safety in knowing I love my kids so deeply and that’s why the feelings are so real and so strong.  Now that’s the one thing about  parenting that I haven’t second guessed so far.

A mom and her girl

I wanted to sleep in till 8.(my body clock went off at 5:30 and I couldn’t fall back asleep, so I laid in bed and read with my little kindle light. felt like I was a kid reading my book at night with my flashlight again.)

I wanted to get up and make breakfast for the kids. (I was too late and Alex came down and made pancakes for his friend and him.)

I wanted to juice. (Alex and his friend made my juice for me, so I made them bacon.

I wanted to get the house clean.(I didn’t have to because Alex vacuumed and Priya swept the floors.)

I wanted to have a peaceful morning.(The dog decided to run a stampede through the house, Priya’s practicing piano and Dirty Jobs is playing on TV)

I wanted to have a chill weekend.(This is as chill as it gets for me. One sleepover last night, 4 teens coming over to hang out later.)

What I want often doesn’t happen, but what does happen is so much better.

In addition to the house stuff, I’ve been preparing to get married. Preparing the dress, the ceremony, the guests, the family. All my preparations have centered around getting to end goals.

Funny that I have constantly run into various obstacles or conflict with every step of preparation. From the most minor issue to the greatest conflict,  the summer has been filled with many moments of conflict.

Today is no different. When I set out to sell my house with my best friend and realtor, Hannah, I knew that the house would sell. I had no doubts. We got the house looking great and in less than 4 weeks of being on the market, we had some 28 showings on the house before it went under contract. While the house was listed for sale, I told both Hannah and  Spence, that I believed God would bring me 2 offers on the house.
We had to get the house under contract by the first week of August for it to close so we could get into a new home before the wedding date. Sure enough the day  I got an offer on the house was in the first week of August and the day I got the first offer, I also got the second offer. It was all going pretty amazingly according to the plan Hannah and I had discussed even with all the setbacks we dealt with.

So today I find out that the buyers of my house are backing out and I no longer have a deal. My house has to be re-listed and we have to go through the process of trying to find a new buyer. I’ve been mulling over a lot of thoughts today as it relates to this including:

• This is not according to plan
• I really do not need this additional stress in my life 2 weeks before the wedding.
• I’m tired
• I want to be done
• I feel like Jonah sitting under the shade tree

This is not according to my plan and I think that’s the key here. My life so far has not gone according to the plans and preparation I’ve made. I think I’ve said it before, but I never imagined I’d be who I am today dealing with the struggles, issues and joys I’m facing today. I realize in the difficult moments like today that God’s plan is greater than mine (yes, i’ve heard that today from all my well meaning friends and family as well). But in the recent weeks I’ve come to see that there is a hand at work in my life that I recognize to be only God’s. I have felt His amazing presence in every situation and every difficulty. That’s not to say that I’ve been stellar at dealing with the difficulties, but that in the craziness, I’ve known what it means to be in His hands. Otherwise, I couldn’t possibly explain the peace I have right now.

The other thing I am realizing is that this situation is one in which God is checking my heart to see if I really trust him to do things His way for my future, my future husband, my children and my home.

What’s the attitude of my heart when the things I think I deserve suddenly get taken away?

Here I am, faced with an uncertainty about my house, but once again knowing that He is my provider, He is my protector, He is my Abba and He will do all that He has promised me. The thing is…God will do things in my life so that nobody but he will receive credit for the victories in my life.

So, as I was scrubbing down the kitchen counter tonight I thought about Jonah and how he decided he was going to get mad at God for the compassion God showed.

^{Jonah 4:5-10}

⁵ Jonah had gone out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. ⁶ Then the LORD God provided a leafy plant^[a] and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the plant. ⁷ But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the plant so that it withered. ⁸When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, “It would be better for me to die than to live.” ⁹ But God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?”   “It is,” he said. “And I’m so angry I wish I were dead.” ¹⁰ But the LORD said, “You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight.

That Jonah…he’s so silly. It’s obvious the plant wasn’t there for shade before he sat down, but then he gets mad when God takes away what (he) God gave him in the first place. So mad that he wanted to die. Really? How immature is he that, he didn’t do anything to deserve the shade in the first place, but was blessed by God, which made him happy, but then when God takes it away, he is absolutely angry and ready to die?? Well, it is silly, but that’s how I am.  That’s how we are isn’t it?

Well, I see the faultiness of my thinking and I’m done being like Jonah. I will continue to thank God for his goodness regardless of what the circumstance is. I don’t know when my house will sell again. But I know that God loves me dearly and wants the best for my children, my future husband and for those around me. He provided the first buyers, He provided the house I want to purchase. It’s difficult to expect such big things and then to be let down, but when I really think about it…it’s just the way things go in the walk of faith isn’t it? We don’t deserve the grace and blessings he pours out on us. Ultimately the honor goes only to God. So, here I am taking my hands off and saying, “here it is God, take it and do what you will.”

I realized that there will only be 2 more years of her “first” days of school before she’s going “off” to school.

I realized that he’s not my little boy anymore and needs his independence from me.

Today they went off to school again for the first time and it was all brand new. They are the new kids this year. They will have all sorts of firsts. The kind of firsts that you sometimes want, but then again don’t really know what to do with. Today they were the ones who needed someone to ask them to sit next to them. They were the ones who didn’t know when the bells would ring or where to go when you didn’t know who to talk to. They were the ones who had to figure out how to get from classroom to locker to classroom. They were the ones who didn’t know where to go into the building or where to come out.

Today, I reverted back to being the mom seeing off her baby at the door to the kindergarten classroom. I watched as long as I could till they disappeared from view. I blinked away a few tears. I prayed that I made the right decision. I trusted they would make friends.  I hoped that the teachers would be nice. I believed they would be fine. I waited to see their smiles at the end of the day.

Today they came home a little changed. A little tested. A little more aware of what sets them apart and makes them unique from everyone else. They walked into my car and for the first time in the day I exhaled.

In a nutshell, my summer has involved:

getting used to a fiance who lives in the same city
still trying to figure out my new role at work
difficult situations with loved ones
kids on summer break
purging a household of stuff we’ve had for too many years.
cleaning
painting
yardwork
more cleaning
having my house on display at all times, then
having tons of people walk through my house and tell me what they don’t like about it.
figuring out a wedding in September (just a minor detail or two to take care of)

So all in all, it’s pretty much been the hardest summer I didn’t even know to expect. The strange thing is that as hard as it’s been, it’s been such a great summer as well. The kids and Spence have had some great moments with each other, Spence and I have had some hard stuff to figure out and deal with, but ultimately we are all learning and growing and headed in exactly the direction we need to be headed. I can honestly say that even with the craziness of everything that’s continues to take place, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What’s been the highlight or greatest triumph of your summer?

Looking back, I wonder what happened to my big “political career” and  desire to make a change, provide the best environment and give back to the community.

I admit it, I was an overachiever at it’s most unhealthy form. I wanted to make everyone happy. More than anything, I wanted to make my parents happy. Funny enough, half the time, my parents were completely frustrated with me because they didn’t want me to be so involved and have so many friends. All the things I did to make them proud ended up being the things that made them most frustrated.

Here I am with a daughter in high school remembering what it was like to be in high school. She measures herself next to me almost daily. We’re  looking almost eye to eye these days. Yesterday she tried to minimize her height and when I asked her why she said she didn’t want me to feel bad. I told her that I would never feel bad if she grew taller than me. She asked why and I told her that I wanted her to have everything I didn’t have. Everything from height to support, to friendships and involvement in school  activities.

More than anything I want to see that she has the opportunity to achieve any and every dream has.   Ever since she was little I’ve told her that she should pursue whatever she is passionate about as long as she knows that it would be a God pleasing pursuit. I’ve heard her say she wants to be an astronaut, a chef, a fashion designer, a doctor, a rock doctor, a scientist, an engineer, an actress, a surgeon, a singer, a musician, a teacher. Her list is long. I know that she would be fantastic at anything she wanted to pursue. I also know that she will be tremendously successful in anything she sets out to achieve.

I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to be her. To know…TO KNOW without any shadow of a doubt that your parents love you beyond what words can express and are proud of you and will support you in any endeavor whether it’s their choice for you or not.

I’m at the place as an adult where I have a feeling my parents aren’t thrilled with where my life is. I know they love me, and I also know they have no idea how to express that love. They are part of a culture and society that doesn’t know how to support deviated decisions. So…here I am as a parent supporting my child and loving her the best I possibly can. But then again, here I am still as a child wanting to know I am supported as I make the best of my circumstances and move forward in following my dreams.

So, I’m wondering, when do we outgrow the desire to please our parents?

I’m no expert, but I know that I can’t get my boy to talk unless he really wants to talk.

I kind of let him have his space for most of the morning, then I decided I just needed to spend time in the same room with him. After a while, he asked if I’d help him make a paper airplane, so I did, then he asked for help with another and another. Um, I’m no expert at making paper airplanes either, but I could tell, he thought it was cool that I’d put the computer aside for a little to fold paper with him. When I was making the 3rd airplane, he started talking mid-sentence about what was bugging him. I just listened and kept folding. Every once in a while, I’d ask a question and he’d answer and start talking again. We both ended up laughing and flying paper airplanes at each other.

Know what I learned yesterday? I can’t force my boy to talk, but I can spend some time with him and before long, he starts talking about what matters to him. And you know what else? I’m not so bad at making paper airplanes.;)

What can you do today that won’t cost anything, but will allow you to invest in someone?

He’s never late, always just on time.

He came out “thinking”  with his forehead furrowed…just like his momma.

He’s 12 today.

He’s got a great smile, but he’s also got a great heart. He’s probably one of the most caring boys I’ve met.

His sense of humor is amazing and always has been. His second grade teacher loved to tell me how funny she thought he was.

12 years old. The last year before his teen years start. Will my little boy disappear this year or will he still want to have dates with his momma? 12 years into it, I understand myself better than ever before because sometimes looking at him is like seeing myself in a 12 year old boy. I’ve never been challenged by anyone else the way I am by him.

I’m stretching,  growing and learning more everyday because of him. Every time i see his handsome face, I’m reminded that “sons are a gift from God.” What a gift he is to me and to his family.

The beginning

i could talk about my family of origin all day long. It’d get boring for you, but it’s fascinating for me.

today’s my brother’s birthday…the 4th one that is. he’s into his 40′s now, but when i think about him, i remember all the days he and i spent together when i was growing up. he taught me how to play volleyball. he made me shag countless numbers of volleyballs, he spiked balls into my arms until they were bright red, he taught me to always go up for the block even if i was a short setter. he taught me to fight and fight hard.  he was one of my heroes, he still is.

i remember one December 16th, when I was in high school, before i had a car, i saved my money and wanted to treat him to dinner. i had $25 and wanted to take him to some nice Italian restaurant on 6th Ave and Union in Lakewood. somehow my plans got thwarted (maybe it was snow) and i didn’t get to take him out, but for some reason, i still remember how I  wanted to treat him. funny that his favorite restaurant is still an Italian one.

I was on a plane with a pro volleyball player yesterday and i thought of this brother. I was in Huntington beach on Tuesday night and saw the volleyball courts standing at attention in the night and thought of him. i often see his face in mine when i know i’m fierce and determined. this was the one who taught me that all’s fair in competition and we play hard and we play to win. (not that there’s anything wrong with losing here and there.

He’s a family man now… with 2 adorable kids and a gorgeous wife. He is a good man, he works hard, loves God and loves his family. Crazy to think that he’s the one most of our crazy childhood family stories center around. The one who had too much energy, the one who was was full of mischief.

I’m thankful for and adore my brother. I mean, I adore them all, but this one…well, he’s the reason I get a bit too competitive and he’s the reason why I think and feel I’m younger than I actually am. 

God, please bless my brother…give him many many more years of a full and happy life!