Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride

In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love…

photo courtesty of Namibnat on creative commons

In 2007 I started tweeting and I couldn’t figure out what to put in my twitter bio, so I put the first thing that came to mind and that was, “Just call me lioness please.” That was it…nobody needed to know anything else.

Here we are 4 years later and I’ve finally changed my bio to something that actually describes who I am today.

When I think about it,  my old bio truly described who I was four years ago. I was in survival mode. My goal in life for several years was to provide for and protect my cubs while maintaining some sense of dignity and grace.

The transition from Lioness to mother and wife happened almost seamlessly. I actually didn’t know it happened, but I could feel the difference.  The weight of my world shifted and I wasn’t carrying the burden alone. I’ve been able to allow my senses to rest. I’m no longer on heightened alert waiting to pounce on anyone who might encroach on my space.

What an extraordinarily empowering feeling to transform from fierce Lioness to a blessed wife and mom.

How about you…what describes you?

So little by little, I started painting. I think it helped me to become friends with my house…kinda like we were intimate enough for me to give her a make-over.

For about 4 years, my house has had mostly gold walls with some deep red accent walls…oh I loved that color red…it was the perfect shade of deep red for me, especially since it looked like it could be the color of my favorite Sari.

Then as I went through the divorce, I had to change the red walls but I couldn’t decide what I wanted, so I did brown over the TV area and a blue accent wall in the dining area. Well, the blue was the totally opposite color of the red, and so not me, but then I was too lazy to repaint it and the house and I weren’t on very good terms at the time… partially because I was feeling she was looking a little outdated and I didn’t want to pour into her the way I should and it was so wrong of me to not tell her I didn’t like the color of her blue frock.

The blue wall that shouldn't have been

So here we are, my little house and me…all the colors I’ve poured into her are going away and she’s getting ready for a transition. Cleansing of the palette Per Se’ so that when a stranger walks in they can imagine themselves in it without all my feelings attached to it. It feels like a clean start for both of us . I kind of like this new version of her without all my colors, she seems young and fresh again. Like she’s getting ready for a new adventure .

I like the analogy… both the house and I  getting ready for new adventures without the past colors shading our future. Thank God for a good cleaning and a great new coat 0f paint!

So, when I was in 1st grade, we shared our classroom with the 2nd grade class. The teacher was explaining math and how it was necessary to “carry” the 1. Well, I thought she was talking about my friend Carrie, so I proceeded to  get Carrie and bring her to the teacher who had no idea why I brought her over and explained my logic by pointing tot the board and at Carrie until the teacher finally understood what I was doing. Oops! Good thing I figured that one out.

When I was in 3rd, I got a worksheet and was supposed to fill in the blanks for common sayings such as “quiet as a mouse,” “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” you get the jist. Well, one of the sayings was, “cool as a cucumber,” needless to say, I was clueless and didn’t know what a cucumber was or much less that a cucumber is cool. Oops! I guess that explains D on the assignment.

When we landed at JFK, I was knee height to most adults, so I looked mostly at people’s shoes. In 1980, the woman’s footwear trend was open-toe,  platform shoes worn with nude pantyhose. In India, I only saw women either barefoot or in flip-flops. Well, when I saw these poor American women with their webbed toes, I thought there was something seriously wrong with them. I mean, why else would all those women have toes stuck together like that?

Oh poor sweet 5 year old me, I look back at you and wonder how you survived. 

photo by Crickontour

This is my “go-to” post for Valentine’s day. It’s been around for a few years, but it still remains true.

This month represents that wonderful hallmark holiday…something to give us a break from the mundane days of winter…the blues, the blahs, the cold weather…I’ve actually never been a big fan, but I’m often catching myself  trying to figure out this thing called love and i know and possibly you know too that “God is Love” so i struggle with letting that idea take over and permeate my life and it’s especially difficult when i actually sit and dissect verses from the LOVE chapter of the “good book.”

So, here’s what i did…I experimented a bit philosophically and extracted out all the words that say Love and replaced them with God…

“God is patient. God is kind. God does not want what belongs to others. God does not brag. God is not proud. God is not rude. God does not look out for His own interests. God does not easily become angry. God does not keep track of people’s wrongs. God is not happy with evil, but is full of joy when the truth is spoken.  God always protects. God always trusts. God always hopes. God never gives up. God NEVER fails.”

Ok, granted I have an affinity for philosophy, so of course i have to dig a bit deeper with that thought process and the digging ends up with me asking some questions:

“Kris, are you patient? Are you kind? Do you want what belongs to others? Do you brag? Are you proud? Are you rude? Are you looking out for your own interests? Are you easily angered? Do you keep track of other people’s wrongs? Are you happy with evil or are you full of joy when the truth is spoken? Do you always protect? Do you always trust? Do you always hope? Do you give up? Do you fail?”

I”m in a predicament…my philosophical search takes me to the mirror that has been spotlessly Windexed by the Love Himself and i can see clearly that i am not patient. i am sooo not kind. I do sometimes want what belongs to others…um, I AM rude and I do look out for my own interests and man, I get angry easily especially when sitting in traffic and… it bugs me so much that my kids forgot to take lunch money again and again…seriously this is like the 5th time this year (wait, that’s me keeping track of wrongs isn’t it?) trusting and protecting are tall orders…hope? sometimes I do that…give up? often I do that…fail? well, let’s just leave that blank for now.

So when it’s all said and done I realize that I can’t do it…I fall so short… and when I look down at myself I see that I’ve fallen because I’m so tangled up in miles and miles of pretty pink and red ribbons that I’ve used to make myself more presentable to Him when he never asked that of me. The hardest part is letting go and knowing that all I need is basic understanding not the comprehension of Socrates. It is so difficult for me to comprehend, much less something I can let overtake my life…my life, this tangled mess of pretty trinkets and bows and chocolate covered whatevers all caught in the most amazing hands of GRACE. Simple as that…Grace.