Dearest darling first child,

Half your lifetime ago

When I was sixteen my world was so different from yours. I look at you and am amazed by your strength of character, self confidence, determination, intelligence, humor, beauty and grace. You are a miracle child and I am so proud to be your momma every single day. You and I have talked about things, big and and small from the time you were in my womb, but for some reason, I just want to make sure that in the next 16 years (and more) you keep these little thoughts tucked away in the back of your brain. There will be times when you doubt everything and at that point all you really need to remember is #1 below.

1. You are a Princess. Beloved daughter to the King of Kings and Creator of the Universe- Created in His image. You are perfect and beautiful, and there is a very specific plan and purpose for your life, and NO person (man, woman or child) can change or dispute this truth.
2. Seek God every day.
3. Your parents/family cannot dictate the path God has chosen for you.
4. Respect all life, people, cultures and beliefs but don’t let that sway you from your core beliefs.
5. You will fail. It’s okay, we all do, just never give up.
6. Always do your best.
7. Be yourself.
8. People will have negative things to say, but you can always choose to be optimistic.
9. Life is good, even in the hard times, so enjoy every moment of it.
10. You will have heartache and bad things will happen, but your outlook and response to the bad will determine the outcome.
11. Be a good friend.
12. Make good friends because sometimes they will have to carry you through the hard times.
13. Follow through with your promises. Your word means something.
14. Remember that your actions speak volumes. People see you even when you don’t know they’re looking.
15. Your family believes in you more than anyone and we will always be your biggest cheerleaders.
16. Laugh out loud every day.

Oh and one more for the year ahead.

17.   Always eat dessert.

I love you my Precious, beautiful girl,

Momma

I sometimes get really sad thinking about the fact that my parents have never known my children the way they know the little girls they care for. I know that sounds really petty and selfish, and I know they have a higher calling with their ministry, but sometimes I wish I had parents who could come over for a weekend or a day to spend time with me and my kids.  I mean,  you know how it is when you only see someone once a year… it’s just not the easiest way to build or maintain relationship.

I guess the thing that’s getting to me lately is that life is getting shorter and shorter and I’m a bit afraid that age will catch up to one of us and sooner than later memories will be lost and there won’t be place for new memories to be made.

So, help me out if you have some ideas on how to deal with this.

My second guessing has hit an all time high as of late because both my kids are teens. I know that I’ve second guessed myself through all of the stages of their lives till now, but I’ve never experienced this type of second guessing in any previous stage of their lives.

I remember going through the final moments of giving birth to my daughter and being hit with the realization that nobody else could finish the work of delivering a baby except for me, her mother. Yes, there were all sorts of people to assist and comfort and coach, but ultimately, I had to do it alone.  Not very comforting, but very humbling.

A couple of weeks ago I had this realization that my daughter is almost 16 and I have to go through an entire new set of labor and delivery pains. She’s coming into her own. A young woman with her own wants and needs, goals and hopes. Almost 16 means that she wants a bit more freedom a bit more time away from her family a bit more of everything that freaks me right out. As a mom, it’s hard to go through this pain because it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. It’s illogical. All the things I’ve wanted for her are happening…I want her to use her talents fully. I want her to be self-confident, I want her to be independent, I want her to love her friends well. I want her to be involved in school activities, I want her to be in youth group. I want all of these things, but now that all of these things are fully taking off, it’s scary and I realize I’m suddenly just not ready for it and wanting to slow everything down just a bit.

I’m second guessing if I’ve prepared her well enough. I’m second guessing if I’ve taught her all that she needs to know. All sorts of questions crowd my head space when it comes to what we’ve taught her about faith, friendships, family, caring for people, integrity, the world. Have I done enough? Have I done too much?

I watch moms with new babies and feel such overwhelming and heart-wrenching love for that relationship. I had no idea how I was going to fall in love with this girl. I had no idea that the sleepless nights, tantrum filled days, sickness, fatigue all of that would pass in what seems like a blink of an eye. I know it wasn’t a blink of an eye because I lived each moment of it, but I still feel like life moved in fast forward bringing us to this place and time.

It’s been a hard couple of weeks, but the best thing has been the conversations we’ve been able to have. As hard as it’s been, we’ve talked about the difficult moments and the hurt feelings. That’s actually something we’ve always done. Explain and process our feelings without attacking but allowing for real feelings. There’s this strange safety in knowing I love my kids so deeply and that’s why the feelings are so real and so strong.  Now that’s the one thing about  parenting that I haven’t second guessed so far.

A mom and her girl

It’s interesting that all of my brothers and I love cooking. Even more than cooking, we love eating.  More than eating we love sharing food with people around us. My brother James, has his own restaurant, My brother Biju has been cooking for Pro-cyclists and just published his first cookbook titled the Feed Zone.  The rest of us just cook for pleasure, but there’s no mistaking that food is a hugely important part of our family.

These days, there’s really nothing that makes me more happy than cooking with my kids. We love finding interesting recipes and having cooking nights. Sometimes the strangest recipes end up being our favorite. I’m realizing more and more  that cooking isn’t just about producing a  plate of food, but all the little things you find out weeping over onions that you would otherwise never hear about on the 5 minute drive home from school.

Now that we have a new addition to the family, we’re slowly teaching him how to cook. I don’t think he quite understood why it was so important that we find a house with a kitchen that we could all be in together, but I think he gets it now. Soon enough he’ll be whipping up meals of his own, but until then we’ll just gather and chatter and fill the house with comfort and food.

How do your families gather to talk and process life?

are you having a good summer? doing anything fun? been to any cool places? any family or friends come for visits?

well, i’ve been busy working on my house and this is my first night of freedom because the house is now on the market. i’m looking forward to writing some stuff again…lots of exciting things coming up.

okay, well, just wanted to say hi and see how you are.

have a good day!

When my kids were little I fed  them cream of wheat or Malt O Meal for breakfast. Inevitably it would end up on their faces and pretty regularly they’d sneeze with a mouth full of Cream of Wheat. The funny thing about the sneezes were that  they were almost always unexpected, but you still had to clean up the mess!

Like when the dog runs through the closed screen door and makes a dog door.

Like when you turn the sprinkler system on only to have freezing weather that week.

Like when you get the windshield fixed and a day later a rock hits it and starts a new crack.

Like if a motorcyclist lost control  in front of your house and drives through your split rail fence.

Like when the wind blows so hard that the patio furniture blows away.

Like when your dog drags a dining table out the front door and tries running from the source of the noise, but is  dragging it around the cul-de-sac scaring itself even worse.

Like when your child gets in trouble at school.

Like when your loved ones let you down.

Like when your heroes lose their ability to withstand bullets.

Like when you’re feeding your baby and  you get  sprayed in the face with cream of wheat and end up with particles of cream of wheat in your scalp.

What do you do?

In the Indian culture people walk barefoot all the time, and you always take your shoes off when you enter someone’s house. Partly not to trample with dirty shoes, but more out of respect.

One of my closest friends recently told me how she’s known that she’s been in God’s presence as she’s spent some visitation time in the hospital…you know,  the “take your shoes off” type of feeling.

So this morning, I was reading that verse where Moses sees the burning bush. It’s in the book of Exodus in The Old Testament. Anyway, this is what it says in my NIV version of the Bible, “So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight–Why the bush does not burn up.” When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”

You know what gets to me in this little episode? Moses actually thought to himself, “that’s weird, i need to check it out.” Then,(only after Moses went over to the bush) God calls to him. Wait, what? So what if Moses hadn’t gone over to the bush?!  Well, I guess we’ll never know since he DID walk over and then God spoke to him and told him to take his shoes off because he was standing on holy ground.

It really hits me when I circle back around to my running shoes. So I unlearned how to run naturally like I did when I was a kid and instead have caused injury and hurt because of all the cushioning in my fancy running shoes. So if I want to run the way God intended me to run, I need to take my shoes off and run barefoot.

My spirit needs the same thing…less of the cushioning and less of the excesses and more leaning forward into the places God’s  leading me.  I often feel it, just like my friend felt visiting with those folks in the hospital, but unlike Moses, I don’t take time to “go over and see the strange sight.” Instead, I usually just keep walking in my comfy shoes not worrying too much about where I land.

I’ve been relearning how to run properly. Now I’m understanding that it’s time to take off my shoes and see what Holy Ground looks and feels like as well.